SATIRE: Post Halloween, the Undead Have Taken Over DC
Satire: A new terrifying post-Halloween report out of our nation’s Capital is that blood-sucking, brainless undead creatures have taken over control of our government.
“ICE CREEEEAAAMM!” moaned a zombie with vacant stare, stumbling and tumbling down a flight of stairs, his completely black eyes rolling. The creature then began sniffing a little kid’s hair, evidently to determine if the girl had brains which he could eat. The zombie had started to nibble on a baby before two aides came running, shouting, “Mr. President, Mr. President, no eating the guests!”
Another creature of the night was haunting the White House, pretending—very unconvincingly—to be human. “It’s time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day,” cackled the witch, hurling a bust of Winston Churchill at a terrified aide. “The significance of the passage of time, so when you think about it there is great significance to passage of time,” the witch went on, hurling a desk at a nearby person. “There is such great significance to the passage of time. Is the President dead yet?” We are grieved to confirm that several individuals have already been hospitalized for insanity and broken ribs due to the incessant evil laughter and preternatural strength of the monster calling herself “First Female HAHAHAAAA President.”
The Capitol building was likewise overtaken by monsters. “ME WANT MONEY” shouted Frankenstein’s Monster, lumbering through the Senate chamber, absurdly dressed in a sweat jacket that said “I believe in Bigfoot.” He continued to amble about, looking lost. “ME WANT MEAT. WE SALE YOUR BANK.”
Several vampires congregated to discuss how to bleed American taxpayers dry. Unfortunately, one vampire named “McConnell” suddenly froze up and had to be placed in his coffin of Chinese money for rejuvenation and protection from sunlight. Nearby, a young monster called “AOC” howled as she got her fingers caught in the mousetrap for the fifth time that day. In another office, a doctor tried to revivify the shriveled mummy of one Dianne Feinstein for a final vote.
“We have taken over,” said a bewigged lizard creature named “Nancy” with an insatiable thirst for alcohol, who had just crawled out of The Swamp. “Our kind finally dominates your human government. Russia. Abortion is sacred. Hunt down MAGA. Russia. Did I say Russia?”
Donald Van Helsing Trump was reportedly endeavoring to reach Washington DC to counter the threat but was being stalled by two trolls named Bragg and Smith, who repeatedly tried to lock Trump in jail. “Make America Human Again,” shouted Trump as the Swamp Creatures dragged him away.