SATIRE: King Joe III Condemns Insurrectionists - Where Revolutionaries Formed a New Gov't
Satire: King Joseph III sent a clear message to Americans who want to preserve their traditional self-government last night as his guards took over Independence Hall (since more appropriately renamed Intersectionality Hall) and King Joe delivered his speech against all those insurrectionists, revolutionaries, and Sons of Liberty who dared to resist his orders to surrender their guns and sign an oath of loyalty to his supreme majesty.
“Come on, chap!” King Joe roared, his crown slipping to one side in his frenzy as he shook his fists against his backdrop, red as the blood of his enemies and the fires of his native home. “You can’t be pro-insurrectionist and pro-America!” The crowd of dozens gathered around the Hall where insurrectionist revolutionaries formed a new government to preserve their liberties from a senile dictator applauded with enthusiasm. “Don’t be like that dude Jefferson!” King Joe continued, gesticulating toward a statue of George Washington. “He owned slaves and delivered sexist speeches about forefathers at Gettysburg. Surrender your weapons! Don’t you trust your government?”
King Joe emphasized the dangers posed by the revolutionary citizens who want to prevent mutilation of their toddlers by sexually perverted politicians and educators. “As I stand here tonight, equality and democracy are under assault,” droned the monarch, accidentally banging himself in the face with his scepter, which he thought was an ice cream cone.
“So tonight I’ve come to this place where the Revolution against a power-hungry king all began to speak as plainly as I can to the nation about the threats we face from insurrectionists who object to my power-hungry authoritarianism, about the power we have in our own hands to meet these threats, and about the incredible future that lies in front of us if only we choose to lock up all insurrectionists in jail indefinitely and torture them without trial.1 Unity!”
King Joe’s eyes became even blacker as he shook his fist against the evil Donald Trump and his followers. “MAGA Republicans do not respect the Constitution. They do not believe in the rule of law. They did not recognize the will of the people,” shrieked the man who is forcing young people to take deadly vaccines or lose their jobs and who stole an election to get into power. King Joe noted that his situation is the same as that of his venerable predecessor King George III, in that his subjects do not want to pay taxes to fund expensive foreign wars while they struggle to pay their own rent.
“These crazy pony soldier minute men talking about liberty!” King Joe shouted, working himself into a frenzy. “You ain’t American if you like your liberty more than your ruler! Freedom is slavery! War is peace! Democracy is tyranny! Brhnigkyutrinomnnb!”
His royal majesty here degenerated into what some critics have called gibberish. This interpretation has since been labeled “mostly false” by approved British fact-checkers and those who said it have been canceled from the Tavern and imprisoned for spreading disinformation and being attendees at a tea party in Boston.