by Diane and Catherine Salgado
SATIRE: Christmas. A time for gathering with Covid-carrying family, for eating fattening desserts, and for cutting down trees. If there’s any holiday that a good woke leftist should hate, it’s Christmas. Everything about it screams offensive.
Like, I mean, hello—King Herod was clearly just ahead of his time in recognizing the problems of overpopulation when he killed all those babies, particularly boy babies (down with the patriarchy!). But let’s really dig down into the many ways I have identified in which Christmas is a racist, sexist, Islamophobic, bigoted holiday.
White Christmas — That’s right, the number one Christmas song of all time is WHITE Christmas (by Bing Crosby, a dead white guy, no less). Can you say “systemic racism?” It’s baked into the very foundation of our Christmas celebrations.
Gingerbread — Speaking of baking, how sexist is it that gingerbread MEN are the iconic Christmas cookie? If you must bake Christmas cookies, at least make genderbread persons instead of gingerbread men. They might look deceptively similar, but genderbread persons are ambiguous about their gender and have red hots in odd places.
Scratch that. Just realized “person” has the word “son” in it—very sexist. Only bake genderbread perselfs this year. It’s a subtle but important difference.
Israel — This whole Christmas story from the Bible takes place in Israel; which, as we know, is actually Palestine, since some Romans wrote “Palestine” on a map of Israel a few times over the centuries. Talk about Islamophobia.
Climate pollution — I’m pretty sure the reason the three kings couldn’t see the star once they got to Jerusalem was because of man-made climate pollution. They managed to do it even without SUVs. Shameful.
Gingerbread houses — Notice they’re European houses instead of teepees or Pacific Islander huts. Just another symbol of European colonialism.
Christmas trees — As I mentioned before, at Christmas people become tree killers. Deforestation for the purposes of celebrating a religious holiday—talk about wrecking the environment! YOU ARE A KILLER.
Coal — The traditional gift to bad kids of coal is also environmentally unfriendly, climate killers. Plus you should never tell a kid he’s bad because that’s not affirming. Unless he is a straight white Christian male, in which case put Ibram Kendi and Jason Reynolds’ Stamped in his stocking, to remind him why he’s responsible for all evil in America’s history. And probably all evil in the history of the world.
The Bible’s Christmas story — There is a severe underrepresentation of minorities and women here. Only one of the kings is ever depicted as being black, and Israel is in Europe, right? It must be, because I learned in my gender studies courses that Christianity is a religion for white, Euro-centric people, forced on BIPOC peoples by evil Europeans. Totally racist. Anyways, I didn’t really look at a map, but back to the main point: most of the people in the first Christmas story are straight (probably white) males. And Mary, the only major female figure, is a teen mom giving birth to a baby instead of pursuing some great fulfilling career. Being the mother of the savior of the world really put a hold on her dreams, am I right? Also, having kids is really irresponsible, because CLIMATE CHANGE.
Nativity scenes — Okay, first of all, they’re statues, so TEAR THEM ALL DOWN. Aside from that, notice that in most Nativities Mary, the woman, is kneeling, while Joseph, the man, is standing? Talk about the dominance of the patriarchy. And Mary is always wearing a veil of course, a symbol of the patriarchy if ever I saw one. Veils are only good when they’re hijabs, because that’s part of Muslim culture and what are you, an Islamophobe?
The Nativity scenes also legitimize the straight nuclear family. There’s nothing worse than heteronormativity.
The stable — Jesus was born in a stable, where his parents had intruded and where He then took up the animals’ food trough. That Christ had some nerve violating animals’ rights like that. Yes, I know the Bible says He created the animals in the first place, but I’m pretty sure most of the Bible has been debunked now by Science (all hail Fauci, may his name be forever great). Where is PETA when you need them?
Mistletoe — Speaking of abusing rights, mistletoe totally encourages the patriarchy to oppress women with non-consensual romance. No mistletoe means no.
The North Pole — Saying that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole just perpetuates the unscientific theory that climate change is not melting the polar ice caps at an alarming rate. If Santa Claus ever was at the North Pole, his toy factory is probably floating by now. Serves him right for trying to be competition to China.
Santa Claus — Speaking of Santa, there’s an awful lot of fat shaming going on around constantly talking about how big he is and how many cookies he eats. On the other hand, Santa Claus is also the perfect depiction of the gluttonous white male invading everyone’s houses and taking food. Furthermore, about Santa Claus, we don’t know that he’s vaccinated against Covid, so he may well be the biggest Covid superspreader in the world on Christmas Eve. Everyone should block their chimneys and send letters to Santa telling him to stay home this year, for the safety of all of us. It’s safer if Xi Jinping is the only fat man in red anyway.
Presents — This is a practice resulting from evil capitalism. As we all know, only the government should own things and be able to distribute resources. Be a good, selfish Marxist this year and don’t give your family or friends anything.
The Grinch — This is not really a family-friendly movie, but a sinister way of brainwashing kids to think that individuals with a different skin color (in this case, green) are bad.
A Christmas Story — This movie is all about promoting guns, which, as we know, are the only reason we have murders. Those guns and SUVs need to stop killing people on their own impetus.
It’s A Wonderful Life — Way too many white people in this movie. Enough said.
A Christmas Carol — Scrooge had it right when he said the government should be in charge of all charity instead of private capitalists, so no conversion needed. Obviously a bad message in this story.
Speaking of other holidays. . .
Hanukkah — Not any better than Christmas. This is all about Israel and the Jews, so obviously Islamophobic. Clearly the Israelites must have been kicking out Palestinians, because Israel has no right to the land, correct? Anyway, I didn’t do any research on this holiday just on principle, but ISLAMOPHOBIC.
Which reminds me—weren’t most of the people at the Nativity Jews? So Christmas must be inherently Islamophobic too.
There’s just too much consuming going on during Christmas in general, too—cookies, eggnog, presents, candy canes, and so on. We need a little more Communism around here. Speaking of which, any nice jewelry you get for Christmas I will be wearing, because everything is common property now, you selfish bourgeois capitalist.
So there you have it. Christmas is the most offensive holiday in the calendar, and Hanukkah isn’t far behind. So sit in your bedroom with the door locked and watch The Handmaid’s Tale this year instead of celebrating such racist, sexist, Islamophobic holidays. And remember, Big Brother knows when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or woke, so get vaxxed for Fauci’s sake.