SATIRE: Science Angry with Fauci: "He Stole My Identity"
Science has come out to demand that Dr. Anthony Fauci return his identity.
Dr. Fauci recently did an interview in which he said that all attacks on him were attacks on science, indicating, “I am Science.” Unfortunately for “America’s doctor,” he apparently took on Science’s identity without permission, being essentially guilty of identity theft.
“It’s totally normal for people to attribute statements to me that I never said,” Science explained, smoking some scientific meth-od in a manner that suggested it was his last resort to deal with all his problems. “Especially this past year, you never stop hearing humans say, ‘Science says this,’ ‘Science says that,’ ‘you have to believe it because Science said it.’ Most of it is just BS, I never said it and they’re pulling it out of their. . .”
Here Science coughed, whether from the scientific meth-od or delicacy, is unclear. “But I’ve never had someone steal my identity before. Humans sink lower all the time. And if I could have chosen one person to represent me, it sure as heck wouldn’t be that Fauci crackpot. He’s one of the people who keeps misattributing quotes to me.”
All of the major media and news networks refused to have Science on, so we contacted Science for these exclusive comments via video chat.
“I was just getting ready for a date-a with Ann Atomy,” Science continued, taking a swig of USB Port, “we were going to the Bar-o-meter. Ann was playing the TV news, and suddenly this joker Fauci comes on, and he’s claiming to be I! It spoiled the evening, if you know what I mean. It was electrifying, and my temper just exploded in a Big Bang. Identity theft is no joke.”
Science has demanded—or rather, requested very emphatically—that Fauci return his identity. As of this time, Fauci has not responded to Science’s request.