SATIRE: Hochul the Messias Brings Divinely-Given Vaccine to Save Us
SATIRE: Kathy Hochul is no longer just the governor of New York, she is also the Covid savior here to free us from the dominion of the Antivaxxer to gain the everlasting bliss of “Normalcy,” where we shall behold the shining face of Fauci! But Hochul the Messias cannot save us until we are initiated into her enlightened Church of Covid through vaccination, the sacrament ordained by God.
Hochul the Messias spoke to a gathering of pious initiates, preaching to them her gospel of science according to the Four Experts. After some preliminary reading of a text from the CDC and an opening prayer to Gretchen Whitmer, patron saint of masks, Hochul told the attentive faithful that the Covid vaccine was, in fact, a gift straight from God, a divine response, no doubt, to the outpouring of prayers from such holy individuals as Nancy of Pelosi and Joseph Biden.
“God let you survive this pandemic because he wants you to do great things someday. He let you live through this when so many other people did not and that is also your responsibility,” Hochul the Messias told the faithful seriously, confirming their status as the Elect of the Church of Covid. She wants more sheep to come into the fold, though.
“We are not through this pandemic,” confessed Hochul. “I wished we were.” The Messias quickly had comfort for the faithful, though. “But I prayed a lot to God during this time and you know what - God did answer our prayers. He made the smartest men and women, the scientists, the doctors, the researchers - he made them come up with a vaccine.” A shaft of light from the ceil—from on high suddenly focused itself on Hochul as she continued to expound the divine origin of the life-giving vaccine.
“That is from God to us and we must say, thank you, God. Thank you.” Hochul then pointed to the sacramental of the Church of Covid and added fervently, “And I wear my ‘vaccinated’ necklace all the time to say I’m vaccinated. All of you, yes, I know you’re vaccinated, you’re the smart ones, but you know there’s people out there who aren’t listening to God and what God wants. You know who they are.”
How tragic that some Americans still do not heed the divinely-inspired messages of the holy Covid Church leaders! How could anyone not obey the words of God Himself when falling from the lips of Hochul the Messias! The congregation murmured in astonishment at such willful and blatant impiety. But what else could one expect from the followers of the Antivaxxer?
“I need you to be my apostles,” Hochul the Messias trumpeted, “I need you to go out and talk about it and say, we owe this to each other. We love each other.” She referred to the last (and clearly mistakenly believed the only) Messias from God, Jesus Christ. “Jesus taught us to love one another and how do you show that love but to care about each other enough to say, please get the vaccine because I love you and I want you to live, I want our kids to be safe when they’re in schools, I want to be safe when you go to a doctor’s office or to a hospital and are treated by somebody, you don’t want to get the virus from them. You’re already sick or you wouldn’t be there.”
The congregation sobbed in sympathy. How much Hochul, like her predecessor Jesus, cares for the sick and suffering! And, like Jesus, Hochul has a miraculous cure—but the followers of the Antivaxxer must be brought to see it.
“We have to solve this, my friends. I need every one of you,” pleaded Hochul. “I need you to let them know that this is how we can fight this pandemic, come back to normal and then start talking about the real issues that we have to - fighting systemic racial injustice which exists today.” The faithful nodded in agreement. As the Church of Covid teaches, the 11th Commandment is “Thou shalt be Antiracist.” And the sacred texts of the Church of Covid say, “Thou shalt smite the systemically racist with the power of God.”
The Spirit of Fauci descended on Hochul the Messias, who became increasingly zealous in her declamation. “And if there is a denier I will take you on every day because I’ve seen it, I know it exists and we’re not going to have a blind eye to this ever again any longer under my watch. That is my commitment to you,” cried out Hochul. The faithful with one accord sprang to their feet and cried aloud that would commit to fighting the Antivaxxer and spreading the good news of Normalcy’s impending reign! They would ensure that everyone would get the divinely-gifted vaccine!
“May almighty Fauci bless you and may you always be proud that you are vaccinated! A-men and a-women!” Hochul ended.
(Note: the quotes in this piece are all real, a part of a speech Hochul gave at the Brooklyn Christian Cultural Center, except the very last ‘quote’ {“May. . .a-women”}. The extra details are, obviously, invented by me.)